Second Chance
by lost-in-madworld
Summary: Tommy is gay, and he's been in the closet his entire life. He's afraid to come out of the closet, but will the love of his life Adam Lambet be able to help him do it? I suck at summaries. Adommmy
1. Chapter 1

**I'm starting another story…..I know it's kinda bad that I'm now writing a 3****rd**** fanfic, and am going to start writing a 4****th**** but hay I can multitask!...sorta :\ Anyway let me know what ya'll think :) Lemme know if I should continue…it's kinda like a preview\first chapter :) Enjoy! **

**Chapter 1**

I sat there alone in my room, a million thoughts going through my mind at once; I honestly don't know what to think anymore. I'm tired of living a lie, but yet, the lie has made my life what it is today, but yet, wouldn't I be happier? Wouldn't I be happy that I could finally be comfortable with myself and can finally stop worrying? Well it's never that perfect, nothing ever goes down well with me, everyone will probably be mad at me because I've been lying to them this entire time.

I'm gay, I've always hid it from everyone, ever since I realized I didn't like girls in 5th grade, I've just pretended and it kept me safe. Safe….what was I protecting myself from exactly? I'm not in school anymore….so I don't have to worry about being bullied. I'm 29 and living on my own, so I don't have to worry about my parents kicking me out, but I do have to worry about my mom disowning me or something, but that wouldn't even matter to me, we haven't spoken since my dad died, we were never close in the first place, she never supported me in any way, so we just didn't talk much when I lived with my parents, she wanted me to be perfect, but I _couldn't, _she hated me for it.

I sigh softly, what am I really afraid of? Maybe it's just the different lifestyle, it's not easy being gay, society spits on you, they take away your rights, you can't get married (in some states) It's just not the life for me, but it's not like I have a choice. I didn't choose to be gay, I was born with these damn feelings towards men, and I hate it! But even though everything about girls disgusted me (I don't mean that in a bad way, they're fun to be around and make great best friends, but the thought of having sex with them and getting married to one just….makes me sick) I still dated them. I had sex with them (even though it made me want to puke!) I pretended to be straight.

It's horrible and I'm tired of living a fucking lie! But I can't come out….I just can't do it, I'm too scared. I don't want to be hated by everyone, especially my friends because I've been lying to them, I've never told anyone I'm gay, never. People have assumed sure, because I'm so fucking feminine, and I have a very open mind. I've always told people I find men attractive, well I find them _very _attractive, but it's not like I'll tell anyone that. I kiss guys, but I also kiss girls, to my disgust, I wear make-up, I even talk like a gay man, it's so fucking obvious! I'm not very good at hiding it, but some people just see it as me being 'comfortable with my sexuality' so they just think I'm flirty around guys jokingly, I'm not even a good actor, but I guess I've been getting pretty good at it since I've been acting my entire life.

There have been so many times I've thought and even tried coming out, but I've failed every time. There were many different reasons that made me want to try, like maybe I found someone I wanted to be with, or I was just so tired of pretending, and then I get scared and yeah, doesn't turn out well. Lately I've been trying to come out, but it's kinda been involuntary, maybe my body and mind are just tired of hiding this secret I've kept for 29 years. I've tried hinting it to people all the time, but they're not picking up on it, well someone sort of is.

I hear a soft knock at my door, "Come in!" I say. As my door slightly opens the love of my life slowly slips in, Adam Lambert. We're on our second tour for his new album, we've been on the road for about a month, and the tour is probably going to be as long as the last one, six fucking months, I don't know how much longer I'm gonna last on a cramped bus with Adam without cracking. Lately Adam has sort of picked up on my hints, and he's noticed something's wrong, but he doesn't know what it is, and when Adam knows there's something wrong, we won't stop until he finds out what it is and has done all he can do to help you, one of the reasons why I love him.

"Hey Tommy," he says softly, he walks over to my bunk and sits down next to me, "You okay? You've been in here all day, I'm worried about you."

"I'm fine Adam; I just have a lot on my mind that's all." I say softly.

"What's on your mind?" He asks, "Is there anything I can help you with, you know I'm always here to listen." I smile a little, Adam _always_ wants to help _everyone _he absolutely hates it when he can't, he also hates it when you won't let him help you. I remember the day I fell for him, it was a few weeks after I auditioned for his band, I was feeling really low about myself, and he helped me through it, he didn't stop until he made me smile, faster that day he just always made my heart beat, and never failed to put a smile on my face, but if he found out I'm gay, I don't know what he'll think, he'll probably be mad I've been lying to him about my entire life.

"Tommy?" He says slightly worried, his voice pulls me out of my thought; I smile a little and speak.

"Oh sorry, I spaced there for a minute, what were you saying?" I ask.

"I was asking you what's on your mind." He asks curious to know.

"Nothing you need to worry about," I say, "just some things about family and friends, nothing bad or anything I was just thinking how I don't communicate with them that much, that's all." I lie.

"Anything else?" He asks not buying my answer.

"Nope." I say with a smile.

"Well alright," he says, "if you need to talk or anything you know where to find me, oh and we'll be at the hotel in about an hour."

"Okay cool." I say, Adam walks towards my door to leave. I could just tell him now, tell him everything, I could come clean, and it would be off my chest, he could help me, he knows what it's like, he's gay too! He could help me tell everyone else, and maybe we could even be in a relationship…all I have to do is tell him, just two simple words 'I'm gay' Okay, okay I can do this. "Adam?" I say.

"Yeah, Tommy?" He turns around, I look into his eyes, they're so beautiful, bright blue, so full of care and love. I couldn't ask for a better friend, no matter what I say to him he'll still accept me, he'll always be there for me, I just have to tell him.

"Adam I….-" I can't finish my sentence, my voice fails me, my hearts beating faster in my chest, why can't I tell him?

"What is it Tommy?" He asks taking a step towards me, his eyes growing full of concern. I can't do it… I can't tell him….but I have to, I have to do it! I can't keep living this lie! I don't _want_ to keep living this lie! I can't handle it anymore! "Tommy, are you okay?" he asks taking another step towards me.

"Y-yeah I'm fine," I say, barely audible, "I just wanted to say thank you….for everything."

"It's nothing Tommy," He says, "I'd do _anything _for you, you're my best friend." He hugs me tightly and my heart starts pounding in my chest, I hope to Satan he can't feel it, he lets me go and leaves the room.

**There ya go Chapter 1 :) I hope you liked it, I came up with it last night, it's gonna be fun to write, and don't worry I'll still update my other stories, I won't put any of them on hold, accept for I Never told You, I'm not sure what to do with that one O.o Anyways, just saying I love reviews :) **

**~Sarah~**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

I sat up on my buck as the bus came to a halt, I was guessing we were at the hotel, I got up and grabbed my bags. I walked out of the bus and watched the rest of the band pile out and start walking towards the hotel. Once the last person walked out, which just happened to be Adam, I started walking with him, he smiled down at me, I just looked down at my feet. I couldn't help the pounding in my chest and the blush that covered my cheeks.

Once we entered the hotel Adam went to the front desk to get the room keys, and I just stayed back with the band left alone with my thoughts. Once he returned he handed out keys and told people who they were rooming with. Once he got to me he gave me a smile.

"Looks like you're rooming with me tonight, Glitterbaby." He said cheerfully. I looked down at my feet, 'Great, just fucking great. If it wasn't hard to hide my sexuality before….' I looked back up at him and gave him a forced smile.

"Great." I said trying my best to hide my sarcasm. He smiled lightly as we walked together to the elevator. Once we entered the elevator Adam pushed the button to our floor and I stood against the wall, and he stood next to me. I stared at the ground, I could feel his eyes on me, and it made me nervous. I looked up at him, he was staring intently at me, his eyes full of worry, I felt my cheeks heat up, I looked back down at the floor.

"Are you okay, Tommy," He asked, "You're really quiet."

"I'm fine," I said softly, "you really need to stop worrying so much."

"I can't help it," He said, "You just seem so upset, I only want to help."

"Well I'm fine," I said softly, "So you can stop worrying." He sighed softly and put a finger under my chin forcing me to look him in the eyes, my blush deepened.

"Tommy," He said, "I know you better than that, I know you're not fine, I know there's something wrong, and I have no idea why you won't tell me and why you're pushing me away. All I want to do is help you, if it's something you want kept a secret you know I would never tell anyone, I just hate seeing you so upset. Please, just let me help you." My heart was racing in my chest. I hated seeing him like this, so worried. I wish I could just tell him, tell him everything. But I just couldn't, not here at least, not now.

"A-Adam," My voice was shaky, "I-I can't tell you, not now. I'm not ready to tell you. But when I am, I'll tell you, I promise." He sighed, his eyes told me that he wouldn't stop asking about it but he was willing to leave it for now. He pulled me into a tight, warm, hug. My heart started to beat even faster in my chest. I lost myself in his hug, just wanting to come clean at that moment. But I knew I couldn't. Once we reached our floor he let go of me, and I felt empty again. We both grabbed our bags and started to walk down the hall to our room. Adam opened the door with the key the hotel had given him and I walked into the room and sat my bags down on one of the beds.

I sat down on the bed as I watched Adam unpack some of his things, just some of the most simple things he did made my heart race. I never really realized how in love with him I actually am. After awhile he noticing I was basically staring at him, and he smiled at me. I blushed like an idiot. He grabbed a pair of pajama pants and a tank-top.

"I'm gonna go take a shower." He said with a smile, and slipped into the bathroom. I sighed and laid my bed and closed my eyes. I pictured Adam in my head and I smiled softly. Everything about him was so perfect. His eyes, his mouth, his freckles, his hair, his voice, and body. His everything. Although this man was perfect in every way, and such an amazing person, I hated being in love with him. It hurt so much to love him. Having to watch him flirt with other guys, bring fan boys home with him, and knowing that he'll never love you back.

I'm not the kind of guy he would actually have a relationship with, I'm sure if he found out about my feelings he'd just fuck me and forget about me. '_No Tommy, Adam's not like that and you know it!' He's one of the nicest men you have ever met! He would never just forget about you! You mean so much to him…' _ Well maybe that's true, but Adam would never date me, and I know it! I doubt he'd even believe me if I told him the truth about my sexuality! I've been living a lie for my entire life, who's gonna believe me! _'Oh Tommy, Adam never believed you were straight.' _ What? Um yeah he did! Every time I've tried getting further than kissing with him he says something about me being straight!

_'He could just be afraid; he doesn't want to get hurt.' _Well….that's true…okay I think I'm starting to go insane, I'm starting to have a conversation with myself. I heard the door to the bathroom open which pulled me from my thoughts. His black hair was wet, along with the rest of his body, I couldn't help but stare, he was so beautiful, an angel in human form. I felt my pants start to tighten. Please….not now. He smiled at me and lay down on his bed. I kept staring at him, I couldn't help it. He looked so peaceful, his eyes closed. His face so relaxed.

I want to go over there and just, cuddle with him. Kiss him, love him. I just wanted to be with him so badly. My feelings have never been this strong for someone before. I don't know how much longer I can hide these feelings I have for him. I sighed softly and got off of my bad. I changed into a pair of sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. I turned off the light and climbed into my bed. There were so many thoughts going through my head at once, I wasn't going to be able to get any sleep tonight…

**There you go loves. Chapter 2, I know I kind of gave up on writing this cause I had writer's block, and I didn't think anyone liked it, but I gave it another shot and wrote the second chapter. So I hope you like it :) **

** ~Sarah~ **


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"Tommy?" I heard Adam's voice whisper, "Tommy wake up, we need to get to sound check." I groaned softly and opened my eyes looking up at Adam's beautiful face; I couldn't help but smile softly despite how shitty I felt. I had barely gotten any sleep last night, how could I when the love of my life was just a few feet away from me the entire night? I had so much on my mind, I must've only gotten an hour or two of sleep, well I'll just have to deal with it. Adam looked at me with worried eyes. "Are you alright Tommy?" he asked, "No offense, but you look like shit, did you get any sleep last night?" I sighed softly, sitting up.

"No," I said softly, "I couldn't sleep."

"Why not?" He asked sitting down on the edge of my bed.

"I just…couldn't." I whispered.

"Um…okay," He said looking down at his hands, "well you need to go get ready for sound check, it starts in an hour."

"Okay." I said softly getting off my bed and walking across the room to my suitcase and pulling out a pair of black skinny jeans and one of my favorite sweatshirts. Once I had my outfit I walked into the bathroom, got dressed and did my hair and make-up. Once I walked out of the bathroom, I pulled on my converse and Adam and I walked out of the room and took the elevator down to the lobby. There was only silence between us. When we got to the lobby we met up with the rest of the band and headed to sound check. On the way there all of them were lost in their own conversations, and I was left with my thoughts. Sometimes I wish that my thoughts had an on and off button, or I could just control them, it would make life a lot easier.

Once we got to sound check, we just did our usual routine, nothing new, it went by pretty fast. After sound check, I just went back stage to mine and Adam's dressing room and just sat in there, the concert wasn't for a few hours, but I'd rather be in here by myself, then force myself to pretend like everything's okay and hang out with the rest of the band and Adam. It's better to just be by myself, it's the only time I can ever stop pretending. As I sit in the dressing room staring into a mirror and looking at myself, I million thought s go through my mind. Like why I'm so stupid and I keep doing this to myself. I hate myself so much, I'm a sad excuse for a human being, sometimes I wish I could just die and all of this could be over.

I wouldn't have to pretend anymore, no more lies, no more pain, I'd finally be free…but I knew I couldn't just leave everyone behind, if I chose to believe it or not, people need me. If I were to die, I know my family and friends would be a mess and Adam, he would be so devastated, he always says I'm his best friend. I sighed softly and pushed the thoughts of suicide out of my mind, that's not the way out, the only way out of all this pretending, lying, and pain is to come out and tell everyone the truth, but I know I can't do that. I mean how could I? I've been lying my whole life.

I sighed again as a few tears found their way down my cheeks, please not now. I hate crying, it makes me feel so weak. A few more warm tears fall down my cheeks and I let out a sob, I look at myself in the mirror, I look so damn pathetic. I hear a knock at the door and quickly wipe away my tears. Adam walks in and looks at me.

"Hey Tommy." He says sitting down next to me.

"Uh….hey." I say. He looks at me again; his eyes are filled with worry and confusion.

"Have you been crying?" He asks, sounding worried.

"Uh…N-no," I stutter, fucking hell why am I stuttering! "What makes you ask that?"

"Your eyes are yet and you just…look like you've been crying…." He says softly.

"Well….I haven't been crying." I say looking away from him.

"Tommy," He says, "please don't lie to me."

"Fine!" I say loudly looking at him, "I've been crying!" I can feel more tears start to build up behind my eyes, but I hold them back. He looks at me, nothing but concern in his eyes; he pulls me into a hug.

"You now Tommy," He whispered, "You don't have to get mad at me, I'm only trying to help you, I'm not gonna make fun of you, or laugh in your face, I'll only help you, I'm worried about you, when you hurt, I hurt, it hurts me that you won't trust me." I sigh softly and let the tears I'm holding back fall down my cheeks and onto Adam's shirt and I let out a sob. He holds me closer and starts to rub my back, "Shh, it's okay." He says softly. After about 15 minutes, I start to calm down and my sobs turn into soft hiccups. Adam just kept rubbing my back and whispering soothing things into my ear, for once I actually felt safe, he made me feel like there was nothing to be afraid of. I rested my head against his chest and closed my eyes, losing myself in his touch.

He softly kissed the top of my head and started to let go, "I'm sorry," he said, "but we kinda need to start getting ready for the show tonight."

"Okay." I said looking at myself in the mirror, I looked horrible, my make-up was all over my face, my eyes were red, I looked really fucking pathetic. Adam looked at me and smiled softly.

"You know, I think you look great." He says, I blush softly and look away.

"I don't even look decent, I look disgusting." I say. He grabs my chin and forces me to look at him and he smiles even more.

"No matter what, you will never look disgusting, I think you look great right now, because this is the real you, you're not pretending." My blush depended and I look away, pulling out of his hold. But I can't help but smile. I walk across the room to put on my concert outfit. After I put my outfit on, I started to wipe off all the smeared make-up on my face and started to apply my make-up again. After I was done with my make-up, I straightened my hair and now I was ready for tonight's show, I looked decent enough. Adam walked up behind me and smiled into the mirror, looking down at me.

"You look beautiful, Tommy." He says softly. My face turns red with a blush and I look down at my hands.

"Thank you." I say softly. His smile grows and he sits down next to me. I take a good look at him, he's in his first outfit for the concert tonight, and his make-up is done to perfection, he's truly stunning, I can't keep my eyes off him….

"So…um Tommy," He says, "why were you crying?" My heart stops in my chest, gee thanks Adam, I finally calmed down, and you just had to bring that up!

"I…uh was um…" I mumble softly, "c-crying b-because I have a…lot on my…mind, and it just got to me...sooo I started…crying?" Okay, that was a horrible excuse. He'll never buy it. He looks at me like I'm an idiot.

"Okay, Tommy, that was a horrible excuse," he says, "please, tell me the truth." I sighed softly and looked him in the eyes, letting my eyes give away everything I'm feeling.

"I can't tell you the truth." I say softly.

"Why not?" He asks.

"Because….I can't, I can't tell you, sometimes I think I can…but I just can't, and I know I can trust you, I know you won't tell anyone, and I know you'll always be here for me, but I just can't tell you, it would ruin everything." I say.

"It wouldn't ruin everything." He says.

"Yes it would, Adam! You have no idea how much it could ruin things! I've been lying about it for too long now to just come out and tell the truth! It would ruin my friendships with so many people, especially you!" I look down at my hands.

"How would it ruin our friendship?" He asks softly.

"Because….this thing I'm hiding from you…and everyone else, it has to do with you." I whisper, and I get up and walk out of the dressing room, holding back tears.

**Okay, so I've decided to continue writing this story, people seem to like it, and it's fun to write, so I hope you liked it :3**

**~Sarah~**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

My heart pounds in my chest as I run away from the dressing room, mine and Adam's conversation had gotten me really upset and I'm not sure why. He had caught me crying in the dressing room…he wanted me to tell me why I was crying…I just couldn't. I can't tell him anything anymore, and it's killing me! I ran faster, the tears I was holding back silently falling down my cheeks. I could hear Adam calling my name, but I ignored it, I'm sorry Adam, I just can't face you right now. I looked behind me and saw Adam running behind me, Adam why won't you just leave me alone? Please….I heard him yell my name again.

"Tommy, please wait!" he yelled. I sighed softly and ran into a nearby room; he followed behind me and shut the door. I tried staying as far away from him as possible by walking to the far corner of the room but he just followed me. He walked up to me as I stared at the at the floor, he put a finger under my chin forcing me to look up at him, more tears fell down my cheeks, and he wiped the away. "Tommy, why do you keep running away from me?" he asked, I didn't respond, "don't you trust me?'"

"Of course I do." I whispered trying to look away.

"Then why do you keep fucking pushing me away?" He asked, "You refuse to talk to me, you're always running away from me, you won't even get near me! Did I do something wrong? Do you hate me or something?"

"I could never hate you!" I said raising my voice a little.

"Then why do you keep doing this hm?" he asked, "I just want you to trust me." He sighed softly looking at the ground.

"A-Adam…you just don't get it, I really do wish I could tell you, but I really can't, it will ruin everything." I whispered, and Adam looked up at me.

"Tommy, no matter what it is, it won't change anything, even if you killed your own sibling I will still love you and you will still me my best friend, I care about you more than fucking anything! You're like a brother to me, and I can't stand seeing you in so much fucking pain. I'm here for you glitterbaby, you should know that, I'm never gonna judge you, I'll always be here, no matter what, I promise." He whispered. I let out a shaky sigh as a few more tears fell down my face, it was killing me how much this was hurting Adam, I never meant to hurt him…I'm only trying to protect him, and Adam comes first.

"Adam, you have to understand that I can't tell you, I'm only trying to protect you, it's not that I don't trust you, I trust you more than anyone else, I trust you with my life, you're the only person I can ever be honest with, I've always looked to you as my best friend, I care so much about you, and that's why I can't tell you. I don't want to risk ruining our friendship, if I could tell you without any consequences then I would…but I can't, so please understand? Can we just put this entire thing behind us and just pretend it never happened? I whispered.

"We can't just pretend like this never happened, Tommy," He whispered, "you know it and I know it, the problem isn't just gonna go away, you have to let someone in at some point, you can't just keep shutting everyone out." He whispered.

"I know that…but…" I whispered.

"But nothing, that's the truth it's gonna kill you if you keep pushing people away, but I will respect it for now, just remember that you can't pretend forever." And with that, he left. I let a few more tears fall down my cheeks as I slid down the wall, I buried my face in my knees and started sobbing, I can't handle this anymore! I'm so fucking tired of living this fucking lie! Now I've even hurt the person I love the most! What the fuck is wrong with me! I pull out my cell phone to check the time, the concert would be starting soon, I sighed and got up, wiping the tears off of my cheeks. I walked slowly back to Adam and I's dressing room hoping that he wasn't in there.

As I opened the door I saw a familiar figure sitting across the room applying make-up, of course he's in here…just my fucking luck. I changed into my concert clothes and starting to apply my make-up silently, while stealing glances of Adam. Once he was done doing his make-up he walked over to me and looked at me through the mirror. He sighed softly.

"You know, I'm sorry about earlier, I was pushing the boundaries between you and I but I just hate seeing you upset, I'm sorry I was out of line." He whispered.

"No you weren't Adam!" I just turning around to look at him, "I was being a little shit and I still am, you do deserve to know what's going on with me but I'm too much of a pussy to tell anyone, so I should be the one apologizing." I put on my last coat of glitter and stoof up to meet his gaze, he sighed again.

"Tommy…" He started.

"Don't." I said, "All of this is my fault Adam, and now it's even ruining our friendship, I should just like leave the band or something, I've caused you enough pain." I whispered.

"You haven't caused any pain Tommy, " he whispered, " and if you left the band I don't know hat I'd do, I'd probably have to cancel the tour because I'll never be able to find a bassist as good as you." I smiled slightly, and he put his hand on my cheek. "Tommy just please, when you're ready, tell me, I won't tell anyone else, and I'll be here for you, just remember that." I nodded softly and he smiled softly, but I could tell it was forced. He kissed my forehead softly.

"I love you Adam…" I whispered. Wait did I just tell him I loved him? Oh fuck! Please don't talk it the wrong way, please! I hope he didn't hear the love in my voice….oh god…

"I love you too Man, now let's make this the best concert we've ever had!" He said. I smiled softly.

"Yeah!" I said.

"Oh hey, me and the band are going to a club tonight, you in?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'm in." I said softly, I could really go for a good time right now…let's just hope I'll actually be able to have fun tonight…. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

After the concert Adam, the band and I headed out to whatever club they had chosen to go to this time. I had no idea why exactly I told Adam I would come, maybe I just couldn't say no to him, besides I really did need to get out. I've been isolating myself so much lately; I need to have some fucking fun for once. I should just ignore everything that's going on, just for tonight, just for one night I should just forget about my sexuality and have some fun with the people I love.

Once we arrived at the club Adam and I walked in side by side, once we entered I took a moment to look at my surroundings. The club was dimly lit, the music was so loud I could barely here myself think, a few bright colors of light hit my face every few seconds. I sighed softly, I think I'm started to regret coming here now. I spotted the bar and started to walk towards it, Adam followed me. We both sat down at the bar, and then he looked at me and smiled softly.

"Want something to drink?" He tried to shout over the music.

"No thanks, I'm good." I responded. He looked away then ordered a drink for himself; I wasn't sure what it was. For a few minutes we just sat there in silence, not looking at each other. Adam looked at me and smiled.

"Wanna dance?" He asked.

"Uhhh….I dunno." I said looking at my hands.

"C'mon please! You need to have some fun! I'll be your best friend if you dance with me!" He said with the cutest smile.

"Adam, you're already my best friend," I said with a smile, "but I guess I'll dance with you, for a few minutes…"

"Yay!" Adam said and started to laugh. He pulled me out of my seat and dragged me to the dance floor. The Edge of Glory by Lady GaGa was playing; one of Adam's all time favorites. WE started to dance, and I actually started to have…fun. Finally I could forget everything that had been going on with me lately and actually have fun. I smiled brightly at Adam; he smiled back and kissed me softly on the cheek. He leaned in and whispered into my ear.

"I'm so glad you came tonight, Tommy." He whispered. My smile grew even bigger.

"Me too." I responded and continued to dance. After about 15 minutes of dancing I went back to the bar, sat down and ordered a beer. Adam followed and sat down beside me. As I sipped on my beer I stared at his gorgeous face.

"Thanks for asking me to come tonight Adam," I said, "I've actually been having a lot of fun."

"Anytime Tommy," He said with a smile, "but I should be thanking you for actually coming, you know going to clubs is never fun when you're not with your best friend." My smile grew and I looked back down at my beer. "Hey Tommy, I'll be right back, I'm gonna go to the bathroom."

"Okay." I said and continued to drink my beer. I sighed softly as I watched him walk away. Times like this really make me want to tell him everything, then I could have fun with him like this all the time, without worrying about the secret I'm hiding. But I know that one I tell him, things are never gonna be the same. He'll know everything, my sexuality, and my big ass crush on him. Once he knows about all of that we'll never be the same again. He'll either be really creeped out about my crush on him and pissed about what I've been hiding from him or he'll be happy for me, we'll date and I'll fuck everything up.

Why can't everything just be simple? Why can't we just fall in love and live happily ever after? Don't I deserve that after all these years of suffering, or hiding in the closest? Don't I at least deserve to fall in love and get the life I always wanted? No, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve it cause I'm a fucking disgrace, I'm being punished for being gay and falling in love with my best friend, I'm gonna die alone, and if my secret is ever reviled I don't think anyone will care once I die, I mean why would they care? I've been lying to everyone for my whole fucking life. I sighed, god I really need to stop beating myself up. I order myself another beer and wait for Adam to get back.

About a half an hour passes, he's still not back, what the hell? Does it really take that long to use the bathroom? I sigh softly and get up. Night as well go look for him, I look all around the club, all I can find are people making out with each other and basically having sex through their clothes. I find a few of the band members, but they're basically drunk off their asses, so they won't be much help.

After trying to look for him for about 15 minutes I decide to try one last place. I walk towards the back and find Adam making out with this small slutty blonde boy. Seeing it rips my heart in half, I can feel a tear fall down my face. Adam looks up and spots me.

"Tommy?" He says, I say nothing, but start to back up. I turn around and start running, I can feel the warm tears running down my face, I run out of the club. I have no idea where I'm running, but it doesn't really matter right now. After about 10 minutes I stop running to catch my breath, I have no fucking idea where I am. I sigh and wipe the tears from my face and start to look around. I spot a nearby club; I might as well get drunk off my ass and forget about everything. I walk towards the bar, enter and order myself 4 shots of vodka. I just keep ordering shot after shot after shot. Soon I can't even see straight, but I don't care. Before I know it I can barely even think straight, but do I care? No. Soon enough I don't have a care in the world.

Then suddenly I'm on the dance floor dancing with some cute guy, I don't even know how I got here. I pull him closer and start to grind. I lean in and give him a sloppy kiss. I don't even care what I'm doing right now, I can regret this later. After a few hours I don't even recognize where I am. I…I think I'm on the street? I try to stand up but I can't. I can't see straight, oh god what the hell did I do? I try to stand up again. I'm a little wobbly but I'm okay. I try walking but I run into a wall. I sigh softly and fall back down to the ground. I pull my phone out of my pocket.

I try to see what time it is…I think it says 4:00 am? I don't know…I can barely think right now. I have 10 missed calls, and 20 unread texts, Jesus what was so important. After a few minutes I realize they were all form Adam and then everything comes back to me, I left him and the band at the club after I saw Adam making out with that slut. As it all floods back into my mind I start to cry. I need…I need to call Adam; I need to tell him I'm okay. But I can barely walk, how am I supposed to call someone? Why the fuck did I drink so much?

Suddenly everything starts to get really blurry, even more blurry than before, then everything went black.


	6. Chapter 6

** Chapter 6**

I woke up with a pounding headache; I didn't know where I was. I sat up and realized that I was in an empty alley. What the fuck happened last night? Why am I here and not the hotel? Then suddenly it all came back to me. The club, Adam, getting drunk off my fucking ass and not even being able to walk. I sighed, and stood up my head was pounding, got I had such a horrible hangover. God why did I overreact so much to Adam making out with that dude? He does stuff like that all the time when he's drunk. But…that was the thing…Adam wasn't drunk. He was completely sober. He even recognized me when I found him; maybe that's why….I ran off.

I sighed again and walked out of the alley I looked around and realized I wasn't too far from the hotel. I pulled out my phone to check the time, it was noon, the band would be leaving soon to go to New York, the next stop on our tour, I put my phone back in my pocket and ran to the hotel trying my best to ignore my awful hangover. It took me about 10 minutes to run to the hotel. Once I entered I spotted the entire bad in the hotel lobby. Adam looked up from his phone and spotted me. A look of relief fell over his face as he ran towards me pulling me into a tight hug.

"Oh my fucking god Tommy where the hell have you been!" He exclaimed, "I was so fucking worried, I called you like 20 times last night, I was about to call 911!" I smiled softly despite my throbbing head.

"I…I'm, so sorry." Whispered softly. Adam took my cheeks in both his hands.

"Tommy what the fuck happened, the last time I saw you, you like…ran away, what….happened?" He asked.

"Long story short…I uh…had a little too much to drink and ended up blacking out on the street…" I whispered.

"Oh…my god, did anything happen to you? Did anyone like rape you or like mug you or something!" Adam asked panic coating his voice.

"Nothing happened, surprisingly. I'm perfectly fine despite the horrible hangover I have." I said, he sighed.

"C'mon, you can lie down in my bed on the bus." He said softly he led me towards the buses the rest of the band following us. Adam and I entered the bus and he led me to the back, where his room was. He opened the door and we both entered. He looked down at me.

"Lie down." He said. I looked down at my feet and walked over to his bed and sat down. I heard him sigh; he walked over to the bed and sat next to me. "Seriously Tommy, lay down, you need rest." I sighed softly and lied down on his bed. He lied down next to me and pulled me into his arms. My heart started beating incredibly fast and my face started to heat up. I found comfort in his hold and buried my face in his chest.

After a few minutes of silence I decided to speak.

"Hey Adam?" I said softly.

"Yeah?" He responded.

"Are you….mad at me? I asked.

"God no," He responded, "I could never be mad at you, I mean I was worried out of my fucking mind yes, I had no fucking idea where you were. I thought you might have gotten yourself killed, and I have no idea what I'd do without you, Tommy. You're my best friend; you're like a brother to me. And I love you. Seriously never ever, fucking so that shit again."

"I…I'll never do it again," I whispered, "I…love you too, I'm so thankful that you care about me so much, you're…like the only person who does."

"That's not true." He said looking down at me, "So many people care about you! Do you know how worried the band was, they care about you! I even had to call your mom and your sister do you have any idea how worried they were! So many people care about you Tommy, and I never want to hear you say that I'm the only one that does, even though if nobody cared about you I still would." I smiled softly and buried my head back into his chest. "So anyway, last night I met this really amazing guy." He said. I tried to ignore the feeling of my heart ripping in half in my chest.

"Oh…really?" I asked, trying to hide the pain in my voice.

"Yeah, his name is Alex. I met him when I left to go to the bathroom last night, we talked for almost the entire night, I even got his number. I think this guy might be the one…he's so…amazing!" He said with happiness in his voice.

"Oh…cool…" I said softly.

"Yeah, so you got anyone you're not telling me about? A special someone?" He chuckled softly.

"Nah, that bullshit's not for me." I said softly.

"Oh c'mon it's not bullshit Tommy!" Adam exclaimed, "It's love and I'm sure there's someone you have in mind!"

"Well no, there's nobody. I mean sure we kid ourselves into thinking there's actually someone out there for us, but in reality for some people there isn't, I mean for you there's someone, for me there's not." I said trying to be honest.

"You're impossible Tommy!" He said frustrated, "There's someone out there for you, I promise!"

"Oh yeah, like who?" I asked.

"I dunno," He said, "It could be anyone! Even me! Too bad you're straight though!" He said laughing.

"Uh yeah…" I said softly looking down.

"I'm only kidding!" He said with a smile, "I'd probably never date you, even if you were gay, that would just be awkward, since we're basically like brothers." That statement broke my heart. It ripped all my hopes into millions of pieces. So I was right, Adam only saw me as a friend, now…I can never tell him my secret. It would ruin everything.

"Tommy?" I heard Adam say, "Tommy are you okay?" I looked up at him trying my best to hold back my tears, but suddenly I couldn't hold it back anymore. Suddenly I burst into tears and buried my face into my neck. He held me close, rubbing my back softly.

"Tommy, baby, it's okay…" He whispered. After a few minutes I calmed down and Adam held me to his chest. "Tommy what's wrong?" Adam asked softly after the few minutes of silence.

"N-nothing…" I whispered, "I…just had a bit of a break down, a lot's been going on lately and I just….needed to get that out." I lied. God I fucking hate lying to him! But I'm never ever going to fucking stop lying to him. Cause now I have to live a fucking lie forever.

**Hey there my loveys :) So I've been trying my best to post chapters regularly, as you can see, I got this one finished early. But I can't promise regular updates because of school and family issues, but I promise I'll try my best. I was always wondering what you guys would think if I started a saulbert fic. I've wanted to write one for a while but I didn't think anyone would read it. Tell me whatcha think! I love you all!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

I lay on the alone on the floor of the tour bus's small ass bathroom; I don't even remember how I got here. I was probably mad at Adam or some shit, probably mad at myself; I don't even think it even fucking matters anymore. All I know is I'm a fucking mess and I'm way past my breaking point, I don't know how much long I can hold on. I've been lying on the floor for about 2 or 3 hours, ever since Adam told me he's supposedly in love with this guy he's known for what? Like two days, oh and guess what else, he'll never date me because it would be weird cause apparently like brothers.

But y'know didn't stop him from eating my face at the AMA's 3 years ago, or flirting with me and making out with me 24\7 on stage and off. God Adam is such a fucking asshole sometimes; does he even have any idea what he's doing to me? First he fucking makes me fall for him because he's so fucking adorable, charming, and understanding. Then he goes and breaks my fucking hearts so many times without even realizing it. Sometimes I think it would be a lot easier if I just quit the band, I wouldn't have to be around Adam anymore, I wouldn't have to be reminded of what I can never have.

That I'll never be able to call Adam mine, kiss him and touch him whenever I please, fall asleep every night in his arms, I'll never be able to be like him either. I'll never be able to be out and proud about my sexuality and make no apologies…god how I envy him…maybe that's why I fell so hard for him. I sighed softly letting a few tears escape my eyes; I'm really fucking tired of living like this.

It gets so hard sometimes, constantly lying, to everyone, even when you really don't want to. I really hate having to pretend to be someone I'm not, sometimes I wish I was free of this life, I just wish all my problems would go away…and I would just…die. Yeah…that'd be nice, I wouldn't have to deal with anymore bullshit, I wouldn't have to deal with my feelings towards men. And I definitely won't have to deal with my feelings towards Adam, dying sounds really nice right now… I heard a soft knock on the bathroom door.

"Tommy, are you in there?" It was Adam's voice, he sounded worried, I lifted myself up on my elbow.

"No." I said, hoping he would just leave me alone.

"Tommy, open the door, please." He said softly, his voice weak. I groaned loudly and got up off the ground. I opened the door and stared up at Adam, he had a worried expression on his face, why did he always look so worried? He sighed softly.

"Tommy can I talk to you, please?" He asked.

"Why?" I asked looking at the ground, "Why can't you just leave me alone?" He sighed again.

"Because Tommy, I really need to talk to you, now will you please just come with me?" He asked with a somewhat frustrated tone. I groaned softly.

"Fine." I said in monotone, god I just fucking wanted to be alone so I can sulk and think of suicide…He led me back into his room, where we were only a few hours ago. Why does he fucking need to talk to me again? Didn't we talk enough already? After I broke down I told him I needed some space and time to think and then I left, why can't he just leave me the fuck alone! God I was being a bitch…We both sat down on his bed.

He looked me in the eyes, "Tommy, glitterbaby, what's going on with you? I'm getting so fucking worried about you," He said softly, his eyes filled with worry, "you've been pushing everyone away, including me, and Tommy that's so unlike you, is someone hurting you? Is there something you're not telling me? What is it Tommy Joe?" He looked like he was about to cry, I can't blame it, I have been pushing everyone away, and Adam hates it when people push him away.

But I had a right to push him away; I mean I've been going through so much shit. I can't help but fucking push people away! I can't stand to be around anyone, I just hate everyone and everything right now…I just can't handle anything anymore. "Tommy, please say something…" He whispered. What the hell am I supposed to say Adam? I'm gay and I'm in love with you? I can't tell you that! You'll never talk to me again, you'll hate me, everyone will hate me…

"I've been lying…about my life Adam," I whispered, "I haven't been completely honest about every detail in my life."

"What haven't you been honest about?" He asked softly, his face a mix of curiosity and worry.

"I can't tell you, Adam," I whispered, tears threatening to fall, "I've never told anyone before."

"Well you can tell me," Adam said, "You can tell me anything, Tommy. You don't need to hide anything from me…you know that. I won't judge you; no matter what you're my best friend and I love you. I'll always be here no matter what it is you're hiding, I'm here for you, just please trust me, Tommy." I sighed softly and looked at my hands letting a few tears escape; I knew I couldn't tell him, I mean how could I? Just come right out and tell him I'm gay and in love with him, I just couldn't do that.

"I'm sorry Adam," I whispered and got up off his bed, "but I just can't do that."

"Why can't you tell me Tommy?" Adam asked sounding hurt.

"Because Adam, you won't understand!" I said loudly, and stood up, "No one can understand! And if I told you or anyone else you'd all hate me! I know it!" Okay I was having a bit of a meltdown…

"Tommy, what the hell are you talking about?" Adam yelled and stood up, "No one would fucking hate you, do you have any idea how many people love you? No matter what all those people will love you! We'll love you if you're, fat, thin, gay, or straight, we'll still love you even if you killed someone! Tommy…not everyone hates you, not everyone is against you, people are only trying to help, you have no idea how many people are worried about you…"

"I don't really care how many people love me or care about me!" I said quite loudly, "I'd rather have no one then have all these fucking...-!" I stopped myself; I couldn't admit anything to Adam. I stopped myself from saying all these fucking feelings towards guys…I couldn't imagine what would've happened if I said that…

"All these fucking what, Tommy?" Adam asked looking deep into my eyes.

"Uhhh…" I looked at the ground, "nothing, I just…I have to…go." I practically ran to the door.

"Tommy, please wait!" Adam said with pain in his voice. I looked back at his perfect face; wishing things could just be easier. I sighed softly and left his room and the bus, I just needed some fresh air, I needed to sort some things out….

**Sorry for the lack of updates, guys! Just been really busy! I hope you all liked the chapter, love you all :) **

** ~Sarah~ **


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8 **

I sighed heavily as a cool breeze kissed my skin. I smiled lightly walking down the abandoned streets of whatever goddamn town we were in. I closed my eyes and for a moment, I felt at peace, silence surrounded me and for once I didn't have to be afraid. But suddenly I remember why I was here, walking all alone at night, I had run away from the bus a while ago, I wasn't exactly sure how long ago I had left, and at the moment I didn't really care. The only thing that was important right now was to calm the fuck down.

I haven't been quite myself these past few months and since then it has gotten much worse. People are starting to suspect that something's up with me and that's not good. It's like everything I've ever known has started to….fall apart, I guess you could say. I mean things weren't great before with me pretending to be someone I'm not and such, but at least then I didn't have to deal with all of these fucking feelings. Then along came Adam and my life was completely changed, I sighed heavily and sat down on a nearby bench, staring up at the gorgeous night sky, filled with the most beautiful stars.

I looked at the stars, smiling to myself, remembering how I used to stare at them as a child and imagine the bright future I would have. I would imagine myself up on a big stage, playing my guitar, I would imagine the millions of fans I would have and how happy I'd be. At least my fantasies weren't that off, the only thing I never got was the feeling of happiness. Although for several years I have kind of been depriving myself of happiness, by choosing to hide who I truly am. I let yet another sigh pass through my lips as I reflect these past few years. I haven't been happy for a long time and maybe if I'd just stop pushing people away then maybe I could….actually be happy again.

If only it were that easy, if only I could just let go of everything and become the person I've always wanted to be. Oh if only I could be like Adam, a sad sigh passes through my lips as I imagine his perfect face in my mind. If only I could let him see the side of myself I've been hiding from him since the day we met, and if only I could stop treating him so poorly, ever since I developed these fucking feelings toward him everything's always been so goddamn complicated between us! We can't have a normal fucking friendship because of my goddamn feelings. God this is my entire fucking fault…

But really, there's no one to blame. Even myself, I can't help the way I feel, and neither can Adam….so why am I being such a whiny bitch? Ugh when did things get so complicated? I rested my head in my hands for a moment before feeling a presence next to me. I lift my head and turn to see a friendly looking woman sitting right next to me, she had long brown curly hair, and gorgeous green eyes, she looked to be in her early 30's.

"Hello" She says kindly, her voice soft and calm.

"Uh hi" I say awkwardly.

"It's kind of late to be out here all alone, no offense but don't you have somewhere better to be then on the street staring at the sky?" She said. I look down at my hands.

"Actually, I don't have anywhere better to be…" I said quietly, she sighed softly.

"Okay, what's their name?" She said.

"Excuse me?" I looked up at her and gave her a confused look.

"The person that put that look on your face, what's their name?" She asked. I looked back down at my hands.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, "There's no look on my face." I looked back at her and she smiled softly, flipping her long curly hair out of her face.

"Yes there is," She says bluntly, "it's in your eyes, like a mixture of sadness, confusion, and anger, so what's their name." I sighed.

"Look I don't even know yo-.." I started to say.

"I'm Angie," she says softly, "and you are?"

"Tommy." I say and groan softly, is this chick ever going to leave me alone?

"There now we know each other" She says with a smile, "So seriously what's their name?" I sigh softly and look her in her bright green eyes.

"Adam…" I say quietly. She gives me a look of sympathy.

"Did he….break your heart?" She asked her eyes full of curiosity.

"Well….not exactly." I said looking down at my hands then back at her. Her eyes told me something along the lines of 'go on' so I ended up explaining the entire Adam situation to this woman I barely knew.

"That's rough" She said after I was done explaining the entire situation to her. I sigh softly and nod my head, "Have you tried telling him how you feel?"

"How am I supposed to tell him?" I asked softly, "He doesn't even know I'm gay, you're the first person I've ever told." I looked up at her; her green eyes were filled with nothing but the want to help.

"Well…you know, Tommy," She said, "maybe you should tell this guy how you really feel, I mean you talk about all of this like it's the end of the world, when really coming out to your loved ones would only help you, and you said that you and Adam are really close, so why would you think that he would hate you if you told him what's going on? I don't even know him and I know that he's love you no matter what." I sighed.

"But what if…he doesn't feel the same way…about me?" I asked.

"Then fuck him. He doesn't deserve you then, because honestly I've only known you for like a half an hour and I know that you are a great person. But you really need to stop pushing all these people away, I mean Tommy, it seems that it's just making things worse, right now coming out seems like the best option for you."

"But I'm scared…" I said softly.

"Tommy, everyone is, coming out isn't easy, I can tell you that for fucking sure," she said, "But is it really worth it to live a lie for the rest of your life? Do you really wanna pretend to someone you're not? To be unhappy for the rest of your time on earth? Or would you rather go out, tell the truth, take a chance, and finally be happy for once, you keep beating yourself up for something you can't help. You can't help who you love, so stop sitting her talking to some crazy ass chick you don't even know and go live your life! Stop living in misery! Go take a fucking chance, alright?" I looked at Angie, giving her one of the biggest smiles I have ever given anyone before in my life.

"Thank you," I whispered getting up off of the bench, "So much."

"Anytime, kiddo," she said with a smile, "Now go get on that bus before they leave without you!" I smiled at her again as I started to run towards the buses, with a million thoughts going through my mind. I had no fucking idea what I was going to do when I finally got back to the tour buses, all I knew right now was that I just wanted to find Adam, wrap my arms around him and never let him go. After about 10 minutes I finally approached the buses, I let out a sigh of relief as I got onto the bus that I shared with the band.

Everyone was gathered in the small ass 'living room' and as I entered everyone looked up at me. Adam got up off of the couch and ran over to me.

"Tommy Joe, where the hell have you been, we were about to leave without you! Do you have any idea how…?" After that I pretty just tuned him, and stared at his beautiful face. After a while he stopped freaking out and noticed I was spacing out. "Um Tommy?" He said softly, "Tommy?" I smiled softly, stood on my tippy toes and wrapped my arms tightly around Adam. He was confused at first, but then hugged me back.

"I'm sorry, Adam," I whispered, "For everything."

**Happy New Year everyone! Hope you liked the chapter!**

**~Sarah~**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

So…I am completely and utterly pissed off at myself. And why am I pissed off at myself? Well it's been about a week since I vowed to tell Adam about how I feel about him and I still don't have the balls to do it. I mean it was pretty insane that I was listening to advice that some random woman I met on the street gave to me, but still she was right. But I don't fucking know how I'm supposed to tell Adam. I mean how do you tell your best friend that you're in love with him when he doesn't even know you're gay? Actually a more logical question would be why the fuck am I sitting awake at 3 in the morning asking myself these questions?

I do believe that I have completely lost my mind, I wonder if it's too late to check myself into the crazy bin. Maybe they could help me sort out these damn feelings, the crazy bin is starting to sound better and better by the second. I sighed out of frustration and buried my head into my pillow, god why can't things just be less complicated for once? Why can't I just go up to Adam, tell him I'm in love with him and have him tell me he loves me too? Oh if only things could be that easy. God I'm so exhausted, I really wish I could sleep, maybe if I could sleep then all of these feelings would be easier to figure out and then I'll be able to tell Adam that I'm in love with him! Okay I think my lack of sleep is starting to get to my head.

I sit up and rub my eyes, I yawn as I look at the time on my phone, it's almost 4 am, I really need to get to sleep. I lie back down on my bunk and close my eyes, I just need to calm down and stop thinking so much, I just need to fall asleep, everything will be okay when I wake up, everything will be okay. I slowly fall asleep, thoughts of Adam still lingering in my mind.

I wake up to the sound of everyone on the bus talking and laughing, I feel pretty shitty, my head is pounding and my eyelids feel heavy. God why can't people be fucking quiet for once? I sit up and force my eyelids to open, I check the time on my phone, it's 2:30 in the afternoon, damn I slept in pretty late, but it feels as if I didn't sleep at all. I sigh loudly as I get out of my bunk and walk out to where everyone else is, they look as if they're having the time of their fucking lives and here I am, miserable, fucking fantastic. They look up from their conversation once I enter the room; Adam looks at me and smiles sweetly, if I didn't feel so shitty I would've tried to smile back.

"Morning sleeping beauty, or should I say afternoon, want some coffee?" Adam says.

"I'll pass." I say as I sit down next to him on the couch.

"The coffee-o-holic denying coffee? What has the world come to?" Adam said jokingly. He seemed mighty chipper today. What's the occasion?

"You're in a good mood." I said.

"Why shouldn't I be? It's such a beautiful day!" He says cheerfully. Okay either he's high or has completely lost his mind, I haven't seen Adam this giddy in a long ass time. I give everyone else a 'what the fuck?' look.

"Adam's going on a date tonight." Sasha explained. My heart sank; oh….that's why he's so happy. Suddenly I'm in no mood to speak to anyone at the moment.

"Maybe he's finally gonna get laid." Cam says.

"Shut up!" Adam says.

"C'mon Adam, how long as it been since you've had sex?" Brooke asks.

"No offense guys but I really don't feel comfortable talking about my sex life and FYI it hasn't been that long since I last had sex!" Adam says defensively, I stare at my hands trying really hard to stay out of the conversation.

"Sure…" Sasha said teasingly, Adam pushed her playfully and I sighed.

"Hey Tommy you okay? You're really quiet." Adam said looking down at me.

"Oh, I'm fine; just have a really bad headache, that's all." I say softly, it's not a complete lie; my head really does hurt really badly.

"Then maybe you should go lie down, I'm sure we're not making your head ache any better," He said and stood up, "here I'll walk you back to your bunk and get you some medicine for your headache."

"Fine." I say softly and get up and follow him to the back of the bus to where the bunks are. Is it on my bunk as Adam goes to fine some aspirin and a glass of water. He returns a few minutes later with a glass of water and two pills in his hands, he hands me the pills and the glass of water and I take them and wash it down with the water, I manage to smile up at him. Adam sits next to me.

"So…who are you going out with tonight?" I ask softly, but something inside me tells me I don't want to know, but I'm asking to be polite, after all Adam thinks of me as his best friend. So I should at least try to pretend to be interested about his date tonight.

"I'm actually going out with that guy, Alex. Remember I told you about him, we met at that club we went to." He says happily.

"Oh…right. I remember." I say trying to sound pleased for Adam, but I'm silently falling apart inside. Adam's going out with the guy he ditched me for at the club? How lovely. Not.

"Yeah I'm so excited! He's just so sweet! I can't wait to get to know him better, if you know what I mean." He laughed and I just forced a smile and nodded. "Hey you alright Tommy?" He asked, "Usually you seem more…interested, but you're just….not…I don't know."

"I'm fine, Adam," I say, "I just think you're getting a little too into a guy you don't even know."

"Oh and what's that supposed to mean?" He asks angrily, great, I pissed him off.

"Nothing, it just means that you fall too hard for shitty guys that end up breaking your heart. I just don't wanna see you get hurt." I say, but what I really want to say is 'this guy is probably a major ass, just date me and everything will be better!'

"I think someone's jealous." Adam says.

"I am SO not jealous!" I lie, "I have no reason to be! I mean it isn't any of my business who you choose to fuck!" I say angrily. I have a feeling I'm not making things any better.

"Tommy what's gotten into you?" He asks me, "Lately you've been acting like a fucking teenage girl on her period! I've been trying to be nice about it, but now you're fucking acting like a jealous girlfriend!"

"Just fuck off Adam, you don't know shit." I say, why am I being such a bitch?

"Don't you dare talk to me like that," He says, I've really pissed him off, "What the hell happened to you Tommy? What happened to my best friend?"

"He's gone!" I almost scream, "He's never been real, don't you get that!"

"Tommy, what the fuck are you talking about?" He asks.

"It's nothing…it's just…Nevermind." I say.

"Stop doing that!" He says loudly, damn this is not helping my headache, "Stop bringing stuff up and just saying Nevermind, it makes me feel like you don't trust me! What the fuck is going on with you!" I sigh loudly.

"You wanna know the truth Adam!" I scream.

"Yes, actually, I would!" he yells.

"I…" I sigh, "I'm fucking in love with you!" I yell. He looks a mixture of shock and confusion.

"W-what?" He almost whispers. I sigh.

"You heard me." I say, ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod I cannot believe I just told Adam I love him! Do. Not. Freak. Out.

"I…I don't know what to say." He says softly.

"You don't have to say anything." I say, I'm afraid of what's going to happen next. Why the fuck did I tell him how I feel?

"Y-you were supposed to be straight." He whispers.

"But I'm not, sometimes I really fucking wish I was, Adam, but I'm not," I sigh, "I'm in love with you, completely and utterly, and I have been for a long ass time. I love everything about you and I'm so goddamn tired of hiding it."

"Tommy…Tommy…I…" He sighs, "What do you want me to say?"

"I was hoping you'd be a little more supportive." I say.

"Well how can I!" He says loudly, "I just found out that my best friend has been lying to me and everyone else about his life! And on top of that he's in love with me! How the fuck am I supposed to be supportive?" I sighed, holding back tears that were threatening to fall.

"Maybe we should just forget what I said." He sighs.

"Maybe we should." That's it. It's over, Adam doesn't love me, I just admitted to me how I feel for him and that's all I get.

"Just leave me alone Adam," I say, "Just go fuck that little whore of yours." He shakes his head.

"You are such a bitch." He says, "Fuck off Tommy." I want to hit him, kick him, scream at him, but I don't. Instead I watch Adam storm out of the room and I curl up into a ball as I finally let the tears fall and I finally break down.

**Okay hai guys! So you're probably wondering why I haven't updated this story in like 2 or 3 months and that's because I had given up on writing fanfiction! But….I have decided to keep writing! Yay! So I have brought you chapter 9! I hope you liked it :3 My friend's been helping me with it. And I promise that there will be more chapters and I'll actually update! :3 Love you guys! **

**~Sarah~**


	10. Chapter 10

I hate him. I hate his smile, his hair, his eyes, his personality, the way he gets so upset when he can't help someone. I hate how he makes my heart beat faster every time he gets anywhere near me, I hate how he makes me smile whenever we're together, and I absolutely _hate _the fact that no matter how hard I try I cannot hate him, because I love him, more than anything in the world. Even after he took my heart, ripped it out of my chest and set it on fire I still love him, and I hate myself because of that. I told him everything and he just…he shattered my heart. I just wish I could hate him, but I can't! Why can't I hate you, Adam? Why?

Is it because half of me still think there's hope that you just might stop being an ass and fall in love with me? Or is it because I'm a complete and utter dumbass and can't get it through my thick skull that you _don't _love me, care about me, or give a fucking shit about me. But still I lie here waiting, waiting for what exactly? I have no idea. I guess I'm waiting for you, Adam. I'm waiting for you to come back, but I'm afraid what will happen when you return from this date you went on. Will you tell me you hate me, Adam? Because I already know that Ada, I know you hate me. I lied to you, lied to everyone, I should disgust you. I'm just a pathetic little fag who thought I could get with Adam fucking Lambert; I don't blame anyone for hating me.

Once everyone else finds out I'm sure they'll hate me to, what's not to hate? I'm worthless, pathetic, and stupid, not to mention a liar. They should all hate me. I hate me. I'm the worst human being in existence, I deserve all hatred. I hear the door to the bus open and close, I don't move from my position on my bunk, I just stare at the ceiling above me. I hear footsteps and murmurs, but I pay no attention to it. Someone enters the room, and they sit on my bunk, next to my lying figure, but I still don't move from my position, I keep my eyes open the ceiling. I know it's Adam, I don't even have to look at him, I just know.

"Tommy," He whispers shaking me a little, "Tommy please look at me." I don't move, I don't look at him, I just lie there. "Tommy I know you don't want to talk to me, and honestly right now I don't want to talk to you either but we have to talk or nothing's gonna get better."

"Just leave," I whisper still not looking at him, "You said it yourself you don't want to talk to me, so just go."

"You know I can't do that," He says, "We need to talk."

"Why?" I raise my voice as I sit up, "There's nothing to talk about! I love you, you don't love me! I'm pathetic!"

"Tommy-…" I cut him off.

"No!" I almost scream, "Just stop. Leave me alone! Shouldn't you be on your damn date anyway?"

"I didn't go on my date." He almost whispers.

"What?" I asked with confusion, "Why?" He sighs.

"Because…of you," He says, "Because of what you-…"

"Oh my god now I'm ruining your love life!" I cover my face with my hands and turn away from him.

"Will you please let me talk for a goddamn minute without interrupting me?" He asks with frustration. I turn towards him; he looks angry, frustrated, and very, very sad. It's probably because of me, I did this to him, I'm such an awful person.

"Talk." I whisper.

"Thank you," He says sarcastically, "I just wanted a minute to say this, Tommy I'm really sorry. What I said earlier was way out of line, and probably not the reaction people want when they come out to someone, but Tommy you have to understand where I'm coming from. I reacted that way because…I had convinced myself a long ass time ago that you were straight and you would never have feelings for me. So when you said that I don't know I was angry, angry that you lied to me when you promised me that you'd never lie to me, and angry because I wasn't sure of myself anymore." I stared at him as he continued to talk.

"I didn't go on my date because when you told me those things I wasn't able to be around anyone. I just couldn't…I can't explain it I just needed to leave. I couldn't think straight….everything was just so fucked up."

"Where did you go?" I ask.

"Nowhere….everywhere. I basically just wondered around the city until I had the courage to come and talk to you about what happened earlier, so now I need to know. Why? Why did you lie to everyone?" He asks. I sigh deeply and look him hard in the eyes keeping my expression very serious.

"Why? Well I thought you would know, Adam. After all you're gay too. For me I never wanted it, hated it. I wanted to be normal, Adam. I just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone I'm scared of who I am. And when I got old enough it was too late to come out, everyone was already convinced I was straight. Then you came along and well I just completely fell for you. I know it sounds stupid, but Adam I love you so goddamn much, and you thought I was straight." I sighed again. I was trying so hard to hold back my tears.

"You seemed content with straight me and I just wanted you to be happy," my voice cracks, "cause I just care about you so much. I would rather you be happy than hurt you by telling you the truth. I wanted to avoid this but when you started talking about dating that damn other guy it hurt! It hurt like someone was stabbing me in the fucking balls! So I told you and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you, it's okay if you hate me, I understand." A few tears find their way down my cheek.

"Tommy," He whispers with care in his voice as he wipes away my tears, "I could never, ever hate you. I care so much about you, Tommy. I love you…" I move away from him as shock covers my face.

"You what?" I force myself to say.

"You heard me," He says softly looking at me with his gorgeous blue eyes, "I love you."

"I-I….wow….um…I…" I couldn't even talk. He chuckled softly and brushed my bangs out of my face.

"Tommy I've had feelings for you ever since the first day I met you," he says sweetly, "But I had convinced myself that you would never, ever, ever, ever feel the same for me so I just pushed the feelings away and moved on. But when you told me you love me, it just made all of those feelings resurface and I realized that I love you. I really, really fucking do." He smiled and I was close to fainting. Adam motherfucking Lambert just said that he loves me? _The_ Adam Lambert? In love with me? The fuck?

"I-I….um…I don't really uh know what to um say." I say in disbelief, "I mean how is this happening? You're supposed to be dating some hot guy he is completely content with being gay and you're saying you love me? I don't get it. I'm nothing, Adam. I'm worthless, gross, and ugly."

"You're none of that," he says lovingly, "You're so amazing, you're beautiful, and I love you. I don't want some random hot guy, I want you. You're so important to me." He kisses my forehead lightly. I look down in my hands; I'm not good enough for Adam. I'll never be good enough for him, why does he want me? A tear slips down my cheek and Adam looks at me intently. "What's wrong?"

"I'm not good enough for you." I whisper as more tears find their way down my cheeks. Adam wraps his arms around me loving.

"Tommy I don't want you to ever think like that okay? You mean the world to me; you're perfect in my eyes. In fact I think you're too good for me." He whispered. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer to me. We lied down together on my bunk and he held me close to him, I had never felt so safe. After a while of just lying in his arms I looked up at his face, his eyes were closed and I wondered briefly if he was asleep.

"Adam?" I whisper, he looked down at me and smiled.

"Yeah?" He asks.

"Um….this may sound really stupid but like…what are we?" I ask, he raises an eyebrow, "Well I mean like are we um…like a couple now?" His smile grew and he leaned down and kissed me softly on the lips.

"What do you think?" He says brightly, I smile softly and bury my face into his chest. There was still a question lingering in my mind.

"Hey Adam?" I whisper.

"Yes, love?" He asks.

"Now that we're together and um now that I'm uh out to you…does that mean I have to come out to everyone else too?" I ask.

"You don't have to tell anyone else until you're ready," he says, "but I really think you should try to tell people soon, I'm not big on hiding relationships and I don't want you to hide who you really are."

"Okay," I say softly, "I'll tell them soon."

Good now get some sleep Tommy, you must be exhausted." He says softly as he pets my hair soothingly.

"Okay…" I say tiredly, "Adam?"

"Yes, Tommy?" He says sounding exhausted.

"I love you." He smiles.

"I love you too, Glitterbaby. Now get some rest." I smile and curl up with him on my bunk feeling so at peace and happier than I've ever been in a very long time.

**There ya go, loves! I hope you all liked it! :) **

** ~Sarah~**


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